September 5, 2013
Earlier. At the dinner table…
“You’re a good public speaker, Mom. Why don’t you do it for a living?”
“Because to be a public speaker you have to be an expert at something, or at least convince the world that you’re an expert at something.”
“Well, what are you an expert at?”
“Well, then you can motivate people to procrastinate.”
My next book:
STEP 1: Arrive at life 3 months early so you can spend the rest of your life making up for the fact that you were early one time in your entire life.
STEP 2: Spend your primary, middle, and high school years doing all of your homework at the last-minute and get rewarded with straight A’s.
STEP 3: Take up smoking because smokers always have a great reason to be perpetually late. (Couldn’t find an ash tray and had to walk all the way to the god damn trash can.)
STEP 4: Join the Army to procrastinate going to college.
STEP 5: Almost get kicked out of the Army for being perpetually late. Spend most of your Army career wasting taxpayer dollars and alternating between smoke breaks and picking up cigarette butts as punishment for being late.
STEP 6: Refuse to sign a counseling statement that says you were neglectful of your military duties by being “willfully” late. Inform your 1st Sgt. that “willfully” means “deliberate, intentional” and that you were absolutely not deliberately late, you were picking up butts and smoking a cigarette and lost track of time. Make 1st Sgt. laugh. Earn the nickname “Webster” for knowing the definition of “willful” thanks to the straight A’s you earned in high school by way of procrastination. Mercifully escape getting kicked out of the Army by way of amusing your 1st Sgt.
STEP 7: Get out of the Army when it’s reenlistment time and decide to return to an environment where procrastination will obviously be rewarded: college.
STEP 8: Decide to procrastinate college for a while and write a children’s book instead. Get stuck on the last four pages, give up, and go to college.
STEP 9: Change your major 6 times to procrastinate ever having to leave college. Spend your college years writing every paper at the last-minute and cramming for tests while sitting on the floor in the hallway 10 minutes before class. Get rewarded with (almost) straight A’s.
STEP 10: Finally graduate from college and procrastinate getting a job for an as-yet-undetermined amount of time. Take up wine drinking as a hobby because drinking wine is always a great excuse for being late. I was just having the loveliest Merlot with some friends at brunch…
STEP 11: Decide to finally finish writing that children’s book but realize you can’t be a ‘real’ author unless you have a blog. Start a blog. Procrastinate finishing the children’s book because you’re too busy writing the blog. Write your blog often for the first two weeks, then once a month, and eventually never. Have dinner conversations with your now-nearly-grown children about all the things you “could” do with your life. (Like, become a motivational speaker on the perks of procrastination.)
STEP 12: Twelve years after starting your children’s book, decide to finish writing it.
Sit down and write this post instead…