Everybody Poops…Men Do It More
Since the U.S. publication of Everyone Poops in 1993,
it has become a widely known fact that indeed, everyone poops.
(For years I thought I was the only one.)
The fact that is NOT widely known is that men do it more.
A LOT more.
The book Everyone Poops explains that,”an elephant makes a big poop” and
“a mouse makes a tiny poop.” And yet, for some reason the book fails to explain that males, specifically human males, will often mysteriously disappear for lengthy stretches of the day, leaving you scratching your head and wondering where they’ve gone. A short note to the girls reading the book would someday save them millions in couple’s counseling . It might read something like this:
Human males make lots of poop,
and like to hang around it.
They enjoy their essence leisurely,
and at every opportunity.
And so Young ladies,
when you’re all grown up,
and you can’t find your man,
just follow your nose,
and there he’ll be – squatting on the can.
Think about it…human males are the only animals on the planet who willingly hang out with their poop.
Horses, cows, deer and other grazing animals poop on the go,
and then walk AWAY from it.
Fish swim away from it.
Cats bury it, and dogs sometimes attempt to.
(Don’t get me wrong. Most dogs love a good poo sniffing, and the occasional deranged dog will even eat it. But I have yet to meet a dog who loved nothing more than to drop a nice steamy pile – and then spend a few hours in a huddle with it.)
In striking contrast to the male proclivity for presiding over the fruits of their labors, human females practically run screaming from their poop. For them it is always quick, dirty, and over. They are in and out in 60 seconds or less and at least half of that time is reserved for careful cleaning.
They don’t want to see it.
They don’t want to smell it.
And they certainly don’t want to spend time with it.
It is notable that Everyone Poops has many graphic pictures, but not ONE of a little girl. There is a reason that the hero of the story is a little boy. Girls don’t want anyone to know they do it! Certainly, they don’t go around announcing it like men do.
When the trash needs to be taken out:
“Hang on – I’m getting a call from Patty Duke.”
When laundry needs folding:
“I’ll be there soon, I’ve gotta drop the kids off at the pool.”
When the dishwasher needs to be emptied:
“Just a sec, I’ve got a jumper in the door.”
It is one of the world’s greatest mysteries why men should enjoy wasting so much time on waste. I have consulted a number of medical professionals on this matter, and none could give me a straight answer. Google has no answers either. If anyone out there has a plausible explanation as to why one might want to sit in a tiny cubicle on a cold bowl until their legs fall asleep,
please enlighten us.
Come to think of it, years ago, my husband and I had a friend with a habit of sitting on the throne so long that his legs fell asleep. His wife had to rescue him on a daily basis and she always timed her outings accordingly. Whenever I saw her rushing home I wondered if he was kind enough to mercy flush. Now I just wonder if they’re still married.
-TMarie
unfunnyme™ 
There is a direct correlation between the number of times a man visits the sanctity of the bathroom each day and the number of kids he has!
Dad! I TOLD you you’re not allowed to leave comments on my site!
The smell is a necessary tool, as it drives away small children and nagging wives, allowing for uninterrupted privacy; so the worse the better! Can’t we just finish our Sports illustrated article without interruption? (and no, its not always the swimsuit edition).
hmmmm… No. Definitely no. The moment a man disappears into the voiding room, his absence is noted by all members of the household via the telepathic intuition the alerts all women, children, and pets when they are being avoided or ignored. Suddenly, the man’s presence is urgently needed because someone lost their shoe, the dog puked in the living room, someone got their feelings hurt when someone farted on his head, and mom is in the kitchen burning dinner, which incidentally is your fault because you forgot to take the trash out, and then the phone will ring, and it could only be for you. So no. You may not hide in the privy, enjoying your aroma and smiling smugly all the while, perusing your ‘sports illustrated’ while chaos reigns outside the door.
Ahhh, the joys of remaining single through life …. thank you for reminding me.
I like this one worldtrekker is on to something. I am a single man now and I’m not in there very long at all anymore because I’m not trying to get away from any nagging or kids. Heck I don’t even take the news paper with me anymore. Another reason for staying in there so long could be we are trying to let the smell go away before someone else gets in there???
mitcha: I think you have the best argument I’ve ever heard for a man remaining (or becoming) single: “I’d love to marry you baby, I really would. It’s just that before you know it there’ll be kids and dogs and nagging and you’ll perpetually smell like baby spit-up and next thing I know, half of the time I’m at home will be spent hiding in the bathroom with your five year old Cosmo magaine instead of camped out in front of the tv with a beer.”
PS: Re on the smell: two words…….MERCY FLUSH!
Thanks for sharing on unfunnyme! – TMarie
Have you any information regarding the correlation between size and texture of poop and the smell? There seem to be so many variations its hard to explain. Does the soft swirly kind seem worse than the big crunchy output?
Dear Rabbit,
Please take care to note that the name of this site is ‘unfunnyme.com’ instead of ‘Just another wordpress poop blog’. Having said that, I will also say that for reasons as yet unknown, poop is a popular topic in my household and therefore this site will likely feature a poop post once a month or so. Unfortunately, my humble perspective does not qualify me as an expert in the realms of poop. I would encourage you to direct your question to appropriate medical personnel, especially if you are experiencing an issue with rodentia poopitis as your name implies. In the meantime, please enjoy the rest of unfunnyme.com. I hope for your sake that everything works itself out well. – TMarie
oopsie, musta strayed to anotha page….here ya go(get it, go?….)
I always thought guys were in there WAITING for poop!!!!!!
REALLY?! He’d rather hang with smelly poo than with me?!
YES, a very good argument for WOMEN to stay single;
hell, I put my everlovin’ cat to sleep when he decided he’d rather nap than hang with me. Hmmmmmmm….
Personally, I agree with whoever the hell comedian was who said it best, “It shouldn’t be TAKING a (shit), it’s actually LEAVING a (shit)”….and as cleanly and quickly as possible!!!!!
Can I git an Amen?!
AMEN!
That stuff smells so great when you’re trying to get away from your mom or sisters.
Hey, Poop happens, embrace the poop, be the poop, you are what you poop, have a poop filled day, signed the Poopy Universe, aka Rich.
I am an undergraduate studying Psychology and Women’s and Gender Studies at the University of Oregon. I love your blog and recently referenced it in an essay for my Transgender Issues class. I admire you and your family so much.
This message got caught in my spam filter – and it is spam. (I know because I received five more similar comments from others.) But it amused me so much I decided to let it through. -TMarie
Only speaking from personal experience. I used to escape in the bathroom for what I said was using the crapper but I was actually reading a magazine and getting some free time from my women. I found a man cave isn’t cause women get jealous and the bathroom is not an area women generally hang out unless they are doing makeup, etc. If I become a millionaire I will put a tv above the toilet and maybe even add a man cave adjacent. Sorry gals I think well it also has to do with following us around everywhere and if you are in the bathroom women generally don’t go near.
Men use it more. But Al Bundy lived in it 😉