Everybody Poops…Men Do It More
Since the U.S. publication of Everyone Poops in 1993,
it has become a widely known fact that indeed, everyone poops.
(For years I thought I was the only one.)
The fact that is NOT widely known is that men do it more.
A LOT more.
The book Everyone Poops explains that,”an elephant makes a big poop” and
“a mouse makes a tiny poop.” And yet, for some reason the book fails to explain that males, specifically human males, will often mysteriously disappear for lengthy stretches of the day, leaving you scratching your head and wondering where they’ve gone. A short note to the girls reading the book would someday save them millions in couple’s counseling . It might read something like this:
Human males make lots of poop,
and like to hang around it.
They enjoy their essence leisurely,
and at every opportunity.
And so Young ladies,
when you’re all grown up,
and you can’t find your man,
just follow your nose,
and there he’ll be – squatting on the can.
Think about it…human males are the only animals on the planet who willingly hang out with their poop.
Horses, cows, deer and other grazing animals poop on the go,
and then walk AWAY from it.
Fish swim away from it.
Cats bury it, and dogs sometimes attempt to.
(Don’t get me wrong. Most dogs love a good poo sniffing, and the occasional deranged dog will even eat it. But I have yet to meet a dog who loved nothing more than to drop a nice steamy pile – and then spend a few hours in a huddle with it.)
In striking contrast to the male proclivity for presiding over the fruits of their labors, human females practically run screaming from their poop. For them it is always quick, dirty, and over. They are in and out in 60 seconds or less and at least half of that time is reserved for careful cleaning.
They don’t want to see it.
They don’t want to smell it.
And they certainly don’t want to spend time with it.
It is notable that Everyone Poops has many graphic pictures, but not ONE of a little girl. There is a reason that the hero of the story is a little boy. Girls don’t want anyone to know they do it! Certainly, they don’t go around announcing it like men do.
When the trash needs to be taken out:
“Hang on – I’m getting a call from Patty Duke.”
When laundry needs folding:
“I’ll be there soon, I’ve gotta drop the kids off at the pool.”
When the dishwasher needs to be emptied:
“Just a sec, I’ve got a jumper in the door.”
It is one of the world’s greatest mysteries why men should enjoy wasting so much time on waste. I have consulted a number of medical professionals on this matter, and none could give me a straight answer. Google has no answers either. If anyone out there has a plausible explanation as to why one might want to sit in a tiny cubicle on a cold bowl until their legs fall asleep,
please enlighten us.
Come to think of it, years ago, my husband and I had a friend with a habit of sitting on the throne so long that his legs fell asleep. His wife had to rescue him on a daily basis and she always timed her outings accordingly. Whenever I saw her rushing home I wondered if he was kind enough to mercy flush. Now I just wonder if they’re still married.