Dear Bryan,
You may not realize this, but it’s been two and half years since you saved my life with a single phone call.
In June of 2012 I began experiencing episodes of shortness of breath, difficulty swallowing, and severe reflux. I also started having “attacks” in the middle of the night in which I would wake up feeling like my body was on fire, choking and gasping for breath with my heart pounding and my bowels contracting. Every time it happened I would reach over and touch my husband and whisper goodbye because I was sure I was about to die.
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And now I can sing like Adele.
I’m serious, you guys.
I sound EXACTLY like her.
Remember when I was calmly sitting on the couch enjoying some scrumptious chocolate chip cookies – and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe and I thought I was having a panic attack?
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Alternate title: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Ping-Pong-Paddle
The following conversation with my husband happened because I finally broke down and read Fifty Shades of Grey.
I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
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Last weekend, my cousin and his band Flow Tribe were up from New Orleans on tour.
Somehow this visit resulted in my cousin and teenage son dragging me out to “experience nature” (which translates to “fishing” on the Louisiana side of my family) and I discovered, Read more
It was an ordinary family dinner.
I don’t know how it all could have gone so horribly wrong.
The evening’s menu included mac n’ cheese, corn, sliced apples, a choice of milk or juice, and hot dogs.
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I swore I’d never be a “dog blogger” so I promise this post is NOT about dogs.
It’s about sex.
Sex and dogs, actually.
No, sex and A dog.
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So, something interesting happened today that reminded me of something, which reminded me of a story, which reminded me of something else, which was something I wanted to share on unfunnyme because it’s oh-so-so-so TMI.
And then I remembered something else…
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Saturday, March 19th, 2011
The following took place between 8:00 AM and 3:50 PM
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For reasons beyond my comprehension, scatological satire, commonly known as potty humor, is incredibly popular at our house.
Scintillating conversations of such matters typically take place around the dinner table.
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Some good friends of mine will be celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary this weekend. I woke up today thinking that this is an amazing accomplishment. Why?
Because,
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Advertising for the weird, whack, or wonderful.
Boring products need not apply.
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I’m worried about my Facebook. I think it may have bipolar disorder.
I first started noticing some erratic behavior about a month ago, and then things got really strange. Here’s what happened:
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CONTENT WARNING:
If your delicate sensibilities are offended by the use of the word ‘ass’ or the words ‘ass’ and ‘hole’ strung together in such a manner as to be deemed swearing, I urge you to close this page now without reading any further.
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In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ve decided to give all of you the gift of NOT writing about Valentine’s Day.
Nor will I bore you with my thoughts on love, romance, candle-lit dinners, or any other mushy-gushy, touchy-feely, ridiculous notions……….Why?
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There’s nothing worse than a long, drawn out bunch of snivel in a confession – so I’ll keep this short.
I lied. I misrepresented myself. I misspoke.
I said that I have always been unfunny.
Technically speaking, this statement is untrue.
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Since the U.S. publication of Everyone Poops in 1993,
it has become a widely known fact that indeed, everyone poops.
(For years I thought I was the only one.)
The fact that is NOT widely known is that men do it more.
A LOT more.
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unfunnyme.com has been up and running for three days now.
You know what that means?
It means that the four people reading it know me personally.
Mostly they read it under duress.
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All my life people have been telling me I’m not funny.
And when I say “people” I am referring to:
family, friends, acquaintances, enemies, total strangers,
and bellhops.
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unfunnyme™ 