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The Rules of Matrimonial Ass

If your delicate sensibilities are offended by the use of the word ‘ass’ or the words ‘ass’ and ‘hole’ strung together in such a manner as to be deemed swearing, I urge you to close this page now without reading any further.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Let me begin by saying that I believe there is a time and a place for everything in life, and this includes swearing. There are no words more beautiful to a writer’s ears than a perfectly timed and well-placed swear. This is especially true of ‘ass’. A perfectly timed and well-placed ass should always be admired.

What is interesting about the ass is that it comes in a mind-boggling array of shapes, sizes, and colors, and even different species and genders. In the interest of time and space, I will concern myself today with only one type of ass: the married ass.

Now, let me be clear about this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the use of ass within the confines of marriage. But, there are rules associated with such usage that are clearly underwritten in the marriage vows.

The Rules of Matrimonial Ass:

1) You will keep your ass to yourself at all times, unless sharing is explicitly authorized.

2) You will not make fun of the ass. Period. Absolutely no exceptions will be made.

3) If your ass is suffering from instability, or has any other physical, mental, or emotional issue, you will reveal this information ONLY to a trained professional.

4) You are free to be an ass, as often as you like, to the person you are legally bound to. However, you must always apologize for being an ass if you want to continue getting away with it. The unintentional ass is easily forgiven.

5) No one likes to clean up after an ass, but you must ALWAYS apologize for your ass’s crap. If your ass has PMS, gets drunk at a party, and starts spewing its guts, you are responsible for the mess it leaves behind.

6) You will not touch, molest, poke, prod, fondle, finger, spank, or grab the ass of any person or being other than yourself unless explicitly authorized – EXCEPT in the case of Insane Yelping Canine With Dingleberry. In the aforementioned case, you will immediately restrain the animal and remove the vile cling-on using any means necessary, even if bare handed ass touching is required.

7) No matter how big an ass you have, you must never call it an ass when you’re angry. Everyone who has ever watched Dr. Phil knows that name calling during an argument is a no-no. Besides, no one likes an ass with a potty mouth.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

If you feel strongly that some important aspect of Matrimonial Asses has been overlooked, please submit your suggestion to the oversight committee using this form.

Photo info: The donkey wedding photo on this page is actually
a wedding cake topper available here.



Post a comment
  1. GMartin #
    February 21, 2011

    Dear TMarie,

    You are dropping vocabulary terms that are not duly annotated in the Unfunnyme Fictionary. You must realize that readers like me are easily overwhelmed by the use of such advanced terms. I thought dingleberries were something that could be used to make a tasty dutch oven cobbler. I could have sworn that as a kid, I had Cap’n Crunch Cereal with Dingleberries. Guess I was wrong, imagine my horror when I found the following in the UD:

    Dingleberry – A smallish, semi-dry, extraordinarily tenacious remnant of fecal matter which, when unwittingly rolled into a mixture with toilet paper lint by the action of wiping, becomes almost irremovably entangled among ones anal hair, a situationality exacerbated by the vigorous chafing and friction between the buttocks and most commonly remedied by the sad and almost entirely unavoidable remedy of plucking out at its root the individual hair to which each dingleberry is conjoined.

    a.k.a. A Klingon near Uranus

    Credit to Joatamon & Zorra at the UD

  2. J. Dawg #
    March 8, 2011

    OMG, that’s funny.

  3. J. Dawg #
    April 2, 2011

    I was laughing at the dingleberry definition.
    As a one J. Dawg, I can soooooo relate.

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