Fifty Shades of UnfunnyMe
Alternate title: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Ping-Pong-Paddle
The following conversation with my husband happened because I finally broke down and read Fifty Shades of Grey.
I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
After all, according to Wikipedia it’s the fastest selling paperback of all time.
I’m not big on romance novels – but what could be the harm in a little, light, BDSM (bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism) reading?
It turns out that this book is dangerous.
I’m not kidding. It needs a content warning.
SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE THE FOLLOWING: UNCHARACTERISTIC BEHAVIOR, VIOLENT THOUGHTS, AND SERIOUS AWKWARDNESS.
First of all, true to the reviews, the writing is phenomenally craptastic.
And the dialogue is even worse. I kept waiting for Ana Steele to beat the snot out of Christian Grey for saying, “Good point well made, Miss Steele” every ten seconds. And I, personally, wanted to beat the snot out of Ana Steele for thinking, “Holy cow” every five seconds.
Do you SEE how this is dangerous?
I almost never think about beating snot or anything else out of people.
Even fictional people.
Side note: Why does this woman think about cows every time Mr. Hot-Sexy-I-Have-Issues-But-You-Will-Save-Me-From-Myself looks at her like he wants to drag her off to his “playroom” and do naughty things to her? I’m pretty sure Miss Steele is the one with issues. Cow obsession is no laughing matter.
I’m ashamed to admit that even in light of all these offenses – somehow the book still sucked me in.
I couldn’t put it down.
And that’s not even the worst part.
After I read it, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. For three days. Yuck.
In my own defense, I was trying to figure out what it was I actually liked about the book. I finally decided it was something in the character and attitude of Christian Grey – wealthy, sexy bachelor with mommy issues and a penchant for sexual dominance and spankings.
Yes – spankings.
Which is how I ended up having this conversation.
_ _ _
“We need to talk.”
“Are you going to ask me if we can get another dog?”
“This is serious.”
“Got it. We’re being serious.”
I take the remote out of his hand and turn off the TV.
“I think I want more.”
“You think you want more what?”
“You know, more .” I wiggle my eyebrows at him.
“Oh, I see, you want more .” He wiggles his eyebrows back at me.
“Exactly.” I smile.
He eyes me sideways. “Are we talking about what I think we’re talking about?”
“I think so – I dunno – wait – what do you think we’re talking about?”
“Are we talking about S-E-X?”
I nod vigorously.
“You want more sex.”
I beam. He’s so smart.
“I’m confused. Have I ever denied you a piece of this?”
“Uh- lemme think.”
“Okay, does the time when we were in our twenties and we had that wine tasting party but we didn’t know you aren’t supposed to actually drink all the different wines and you passed out on the back porch count?”
“Did you try to have sex with me while I was passed out on the back porch?”
“Um, no. But I might have if you had made it to bed.”
“It doesn’t count.”
“Okay, maybe more is the wrong word. Maybe just different.”
“You’re looking for a little strange?”
“Yes.” More vigorous nodding.
He raises his eyebrows. “You have something in mind?”
“I was thinking you could be more, you know- dominant.”
“You want me to be- dominant.”
“Yes!” This is going so well.
He’s looking at me sideways again. “Have you been watching porn?”
“No!” I smack his shoulder.
“Were you abducted by aliens into an inter-galactic illegal bondage ring?”
“I said this was serious.”
He sighs. “Okay. Shit. Is this new fetish going to require a lot of shopping?
“Every time you start one of your projects, there’s a lot of shopping involved.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “This isn’t one of my projects .”
“Oh, okay. So, there won’t be any shopping then.”
“Well, actually, handcuffs would be good, and one of those feather things, a-”
“I knew it! Project!”
I smack his shoulder again. Harder this time.
“Are you sure you understand this whole dominance thing?”
“Yep. I read all about it.”
“So you understand that me being dominant would require you to be submissive ? Did you read that ?”
“As a matter of fact, I did.”
“So, I get to tell you what to do.”
“And I get to call you – my little submissive starfish.”
“Uhhh-” Starfish? WTF?
He smiles. “And I get use the word no.”
“What? Hold on. I don-”
“Do you remember what happened the last time I told you no ?”
“Doesn’t count! It was a long time ago. And we really needed that blender. Wait- are you trying to tell me no now? Are you trying to change my mind?!”
“I am not saying no. I just want to be sure you’ve thought this through.”
“Well I have. I’ve thought about it a lot.”
“Okay then. Let’s try this. Close your eyes and imagine me spanking you.”
“Okay.” Now we’re getting somewhere. I close my eyes.
Nothing happens. I open one eye. He’s staring at me.
“I can’t do this while you’re watching me.”
He grabs the remote and turns the soccer game back on.
I close my eyes again. I try to get into the mood.
I imagine us in our bedroom. I hope the kids are asleep.
And then I see it.
I’m standing buck naked, bent over the bed. He’s standing behind me wearing only his jeans with the top button open- just like Christian Grey in the book. He’s holding a-
And in a husky voice he says,
“You’ve been very bad, my little starfish. And now I’m going to punish you.”
And then I lose it.
It starts out as a snicker, and turns into a giggle.
And then I’m laughing my ass off.
I open my eyes and he’s looking at me, shaking his head.
“Y-ou! Sp-spa-span-king your little starfish!”
He smiles, smugly. “I knew you couldn’t hack it.”
Ten minutes later I’m still occasionally bursting into giggle fits.
He hollers at me from the living room. “Oh, come on. It’s not that funny.”
Holy cow. I think he might be slightly offended.
And then I laugh harder.
And then he’s mad.
And it’s kinda hot that he’s mad.
_ _ _
Unfortunately, the nickname Starfish has stuck, which is just- weird.
I’m adding, “inspires bad nicknames,” to the many ways this book has damaged me.