How to Piss Off A Redhead
Yesterday, someone had the nerve to call UnfunnyMe GIRLY.
I let him off the hook with a warning. (Mostly because I was feeling especially forgiving and OtherMe wasn’t around to go all bat-shit-crazy on him.)
Until recently, all of my little stat-counter-thingamajigs told me that the majority of unfunny readers and Facebook “Likes” were males from age 25-45.
Truthfully, I’m relieved to get some female readers so it won’t be such a helmet-fest around here – but I haven’t been “girly” since I was five.
That was when I threw every dress I owned in the trash because I realized my three big brothers didn’t have to wear that shit. Then I demanded that my mother chop off all my hair.
I think it was around this same time that my parents gave up pretending I would ever be a normal, well-adjusted, human being.
Now that I’m a little older, I have been known to wear a dress on occasion. Sometimes I even wash my hair. But I am not girly, and neither is unfunnyme.com.
There’s nothing wrong with being girly – but I rankle at the implication that UnfunnyMe is something that only “silly girls” would want to read.
I may be only 5’2, but the next douche-fizzle who calls this site girly gets his nose smashed into my kneecap right before I grind his balls into the pavement with my steel-toed boots. Then we’ll see who’s girly.
And now for some other news!
Someone was nuts enough to hire me to help with their social networking.
I’m pretty sure they’ll fire me as soon as the figure out I’m not funny.
Since they produce a lot of science fiction movies, I’ve taken to wearing a colander on my head while I’m working. This prevents the aliens from reading my mind.
And in even bigger news, UnfunnyMe has an awesome new cover photo on Facebook. You really should see it. Plus, I post all sorts of nifty things over there that I don’t always get a chance to post back here.
-TMarie
unfunnyme™ 
I, for one, concur that you are no girly girl…and that makes you a whole lot funnier…I mean, ever seen a girly chick comic…ha! Nah. BUT! I’d have to describe the photo of you wearing the kooky colander as Dr. Seussy.(only ’cause I’m too far away for you to threaten me physically in any way…) -J
I love Dr. Seuss! I’ll have to find someone who can turn that photo of me into a Dr. Seuss style drawing… -TMarie
I notice your colander has many objects attached to it. Are these objects necessary to prevent alien mind-infiltration, or will any colander do?
You can use any colander as long as it’s made of aluminum. The additional foil bits help scramble the signal I think. And the fuzzballs – we’ll they’re just so pretty ,who can resist adding a few to their alien-prevention-paraphernalia? – TMarie
That colander won’t work! Its got HOLES maaan! Take it from somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody who knows about readin’ minds. If you get a throbbing headache between your temples and get dizzy when you stand up, that’s a first generation Russian mind reading machine. You need a baseball helmet lined with tinfoil and you have to blare Bruce Springsteen in the background to make it stop. If you get a dull headache in the back of your head at the top of your spine associated with nausea and then you get the taste of nutmeg on the tip of your tongue that’s a North Korean mind bender. It doesn’t actually read your mind as much as it just makes you want to eat kimchi. A simple teaspoon of Tabasco sauce will cure it. If the headache is a sharp pain in your frontal lobe and you hear chimes, that’s a good old USA mind reader looking for terrorists. Hum Jingle Bells and they will move on. If it’s a tingly sensation and your hair stands up, with a low drumming sound…that’s the REAL aliens maaan! Best to superglue your butt shut and handcuff yourself to your bed.
Wow. This is incredibly useful information! World Trekker, if you have a blog or website that details any of your encounters with aliens and mind reading that explains further, please share it. I know I speak for everyone reading this when I say that we’d all very much like to hear more. – TMarie
tee-heee-heee — get this, world trekker was funny!
Are you sure he was trying to be funny, dear? He sounds quite serious to me! – TMarie
I just read what you had put down. Hilarious! You go girl ! Give em hell!
Thanks Mike. It’s a shame out your Duke-ness though. TARHEELS!!!
Write a blog? Are you crazy! Why don’t I just put up a big arrow sign lined with genuine 1970’s sparklers (they was the GOOD kind, not those namby pamby ones they got today), telling all those mind machiners right where’s I’m at??? I got to keep drinking the tabasco sauce and MMMOOOVIN maaan, different computer, different IP address every day! Those real aliens find me again and I don’t know if can handle another one of those probes! They get you and you better invest in a good wire brush to scratch that itch while your but heals. I start hearin the JingleMAN comin and gotta go! Those Russians know the aliens put some alien technology in me and want to cut it out! They put a bug in me somewhere and they keep tracking me down. I even pulled all my real teeth, but they keep getting close! Now I keep the microwave running all night to throw them off. That and radio static. You kan hide a whole army behind radio static, but you got to amplify it with a genuine KitchenAid for that!
I would never, ever call a redhead “girly.” Except maybe Bill Walton. But he’s got bad knees, so I can out run him.
Girly, I’m sorry to add to the helmet-fest but as a man aged 25-45, I think I’m going to keep reading your un-blog. We butch types just can’t stay away.
We welcome all types here- “sportos and motor heads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads” and even butch types are “righteous dudes.”
I love a good helmet-fest. Keep on comin’! -TMarie
Quote Attribution: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
I am (gasp) female, but I don’t consider myself a silly girl. Maybe a silly person, but even saying the word “silly” sounds girly. I’ll go with “weird person.” Anyways, I just discovered your blog (“discovered” — because I did all the work when I looked through Freshly Pressed yesterday) and love it. I don’t really remember where I was going with this comment, but I just wanted to say, keep doing what you’re doing!
Thanks! And welcome to unfunnyme. We live in a weird world, so being weird just means we have great camouflage 😉
Remember, the last time someone REALLY, ULTIMATELY pissed off a redhead, a whole star system of 5 billion beings was destroyed.
Um, perhaps I need to brush up on my galactic history since I can’t seem to recall this cataclysmic event. But it does sound fascinating…